hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
