i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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