i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
high people should be assigned attendants
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
