Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I will pee on everything he values.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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