I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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