I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
