Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
