but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
