you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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