Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
