apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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