Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
