My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
