You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
