So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
