my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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