remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
