She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
