Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
