I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
My cat gives me a boner
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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