I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
