I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
