Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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