it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
