You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
