No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
