Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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