the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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