Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
