In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
