Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
