I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
how drunk are you?
Several
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
