I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
