my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
