Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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