Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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