Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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