What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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