; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
