I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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