I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
