Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
