every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
