Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
