I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
