Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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