so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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