maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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