Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
