I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
