ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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