I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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